I recently read of some struggles a friend of mine is having, and I felt prompted to write to her about it. Then I felt prompted to put my letter here, for whomever else needs to read it. I've changed it a little to make it more anonymous. Please apply it to yourself if it's something you need to hear.
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Hello Friend,
I too have struggled with 4 children (I actually struggled with #3 and then #4 came along too soon) and it's been really hard. I don't even have some of the same struggles you have but I've had other things come up in life and even without those "other things" it's still a really REALLY hard job. It's a full-time job to raise children, and a full-time job to keep a home organized and clean, and a full-time job to plan meals and buy groceries and do it on a budget using coupons and spending time cooking and making everything (all while 4 little kids are running around getting in the way and asking you questions that distract your mind from the task-at-hand), and a full-time job to manage finances and monitor spending and keep a budget, anyway, you get the picture. We moms do a lot of full-time jobs and there's just NO way to do them all perfectly (unless you hire out :). Some people have the luxury of paying for help, which I think is totally awesome and smart! Hey, if you don't have enough hands to do something, why not buy some more? Seems pretty smart to me.
Having kids is very hard, no matter what the number, and even though some people say after 3 it's all the same, it hasn't been that way for me. And I think most women struggle with it, but just don't talk about it, because they want to appear like all is well and they are handling it. But I really do think most of us are struggling in some way or another, everyone is different, but we all have our stuff. And it is SO easy to look at the facade of others and think they are doing MUCH better than they are. People just don't show reality in public. I mean think of yourself...Do YOU say things in public that you say at home? One year ago Rick started a new job at Nestle in LA, so we moved here. I remember taking all my kids to his work one day to check it out and meet his coworkers. Of course I got myself ready cute that day and did my kids all up cute. I thought it was funny when everyone at his work said, "Wow, how do you do it with 4? You look so put together and calm, and your kids are so cute and well behaved. Wow. You're amazing." I chuckled because what they didn't know is that I didn't look like this every day (rarely in fact), and neither did my kids. And they didn't know how much I yelled at them that morning to hurry up, and how totally disorganized my house was from moving and how it drove me nuts and I couldn't find the time to get everything unpacked and put away, and it made me cranky. I think it's good to talk and be open about our joys AND struggles as mothers, not only to help ourselves, but to help others open up too. So I guess that's what I'm doing now, telling you you're not alone, and that I've struggled as well.
You're still a good mother, whether you are physically there for your kids all the time or not. Your desires and your heart are in the right place. And after all, that's what we are judged on. It's natural to worry about what others may think of you, but let it go. No one knows your struggles, and remember that you don't know theirs. Maybe it will be a lesson on not judging others. I feel like I have learned that lesson (and still am) with the struggles I've face over the past few years. Everyone has their struggles, and you just NEVER know what they are going through. I thought my mom was pretty much perfect growing up, until I became a parent myself and realized how much she was going through that I never noticed. It is our job to assume the best in others, be there when they need, lift and encourage and help, but not judge their way of doing things, their purchases, the way they raise their children, whether or not they work or stay home or use daycare. Everyone is doing their best.
I feel like I've blabbed too much. I just sympathized with how you are feeling and wanted to let you know you are not unique in your feelings, you are good mother, and a good person, and you most definitely are worth spending time and money on. I've started paying to get massages, which I use to think was a luxury, but with how much my back hurts and how much my little children need my back, I've decided it is a medical/emotional necessity. I am a very grumpy and unproductive mother when my back is hurting. But I'm a very happy, patient, productive mother when I'm feeling good. So I'm pretty much paying for my kids to have a better childhood. I think it's a pretty good investment. And don't you think it's better to be 100% there for your kids 70% of the time, than 70% there for your kids 100% of the time?
Hope this helps.
Love, Me
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I don't know who reads my blog or how often, but if you are someone that needed to read that then I'm glad I posted it for you. I only hope that it helps. :))
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Hello Friend,
I too have struggled with 4 children (I actually struggled with #3 and then #4 came along too soon) and it's been really hard. I don't even have some of the same struggles you have but I've had other things come up in life and even without those "other things" it's still a really REALLY hard job. It's a full-time job to raise children, and a full-time job to keep a home organized and clean, and a full-time job to plan meals and buy groceries and do it on a budget using coupons and spending time cooking and making everything (all while 4 little kids are running around getting in the way and asking you questions that distract your mind from the task-at-hand), and a full-time job to manage finances and monitor spending and keep a budget, anyway, you get the picture. We moms do a lot of full-time jobs and there's just NO way to do them all perfectly (unless you hire out :). Some people have the luxury of paying for help, which I think is totally awesome and smart! Hey, if you don't have enough hands to do something, why not buy some more? Seems pretty smart to me.
Having kids is very hard, no matter what the number, and even though some people say after 3 it's all the same, it hasn't been that way for me. And I think most women struggle with it, but just don't talk about it, because they want to appear like all is well and they are handling it. But I really do think most of us are struggling in some way or another, everyone is different, but we all have our stuff. And it is SO easy to look at the facade of others and think they are doing MUCH better than they are. People just don't show reality in public. I mean think of yourself...Do YOU say things in public that you say at home? One year ago Rick started a new job at Nestle in LA, so we moved here. I remember taking all my kids to his work one day to check it out and meet his coworkers. Of course I got myself ready cute that day and did my kids all up cute. I thought it was funny when everyone at his work said, "Wow, how do you do it with 4? You look so put together and calm, and your kids are so cute and well behaved. Wow. You're amazing." I chuckled because what they didn't know is that I didn't look like this every day (rarely in fact), and neither did my kids. And they didn't know how much I yelled at them that morning to hurry up, and how totally disorganized my house was from moving and how it drove me nuts and I couldn't find the time to get everything unpacked and put away, and it made me cranky. I think it's good to talk and be open about our joys AND struggles as mothers, not only to help ourselves, but to help others open up too. So I guess that's what I'm doing now, telling you you're not alone, and that I've struggled as well.
You're still a good mother, whether you are physically there for your kids all the time or not. Your desires and your heart are in the right place. And after all, that's what we are judged on. It's natural to worry about what others may think of you, but let it go. No one knows your struggles, and remember that you don't know theirs. Maybe it will be a lesson on not judging others. I feel like I have learned that lesson (and still am) with the struggles I've face over the past few years. Everyone has their struggles, and you just NEVER know what they are going through. I thought my mom was pretty much perfect growing up, until I became a parent myself and realized how much she was going through that I never noticed. It is our job to assume the best in others, be there when they need, lift and encourage and help, but not judge their way of doing things, their purchases, the way they raise their children, whether or not they work or stay home or use daycare. Everyone is doing their best.
I feel like I've blabbed too much. I just sympathized with how you are feeling and wanted to let you know you are not unique in your feelings, you are good mother, and a good person, and you most definitely are worth spending time and money on. I've started paying to get massages, which I use to think was a luxury, but with how much my back hurts and how much my little children need my back, I've decided it is a medical/emotional necessity. I am a very grumpy and unproductive mother when my back is hurting. But I'm a very happy, patient, productive mother when I'm feeling good. So I'm pretty much paying for my kids to have a better childhood. I think it's a pretty good investment. And don't you think it's better to be 100% there for your kids 70% of the time, than 70% there for your kids 100% of the time?
Hope this helps.
Love, Me
**********
I don't know who reads my blog or how often, but if you are someone that needed to read that then I'm glad I posted it for you. I only hope that it helps. :))
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